truth

it's not denial.

i'm just very selective about the truths i accept.


that's really applicable right now, i think. and i really don't know if saying that this has come at a (somewhat, other times would have been worse - so i guess now would be the 'most') suitable time.

i'm really confused with the situation. mostly because, logically, i know it'll never happen - IMPOSSIBLE.

here is when i think of jas's fav quote/motto:

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING.


but, my dear friend had to go and come up with a rebuttal for that statement:

THEN, how do you slam a REVOVLVING DOOR?


or another come-back from cheong...

BUT, i do NOTHING everyday...



yeah.. it's really hard. coz i can't help my reactions, which probably aren't even my 'real' self anyway. it's not how i behave.


it's very wrong.






couldn't get much worse than this...




i'm really trying to avoid the cause of the situation. but it's not helping. i shouldn't have reached out a helping hand in the first place.. or rather.. i still would have but.. i'd rather it didn't cause me this much.... 'baggage'.

i suppose it started a long time ago.



i'm starting to wonder if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. from what i learnt about psych. yeah.. weird thing to draw this conclusion of my 'self-fulfilling prophecy' from.




i wish it never happened.


i have never resisted anything so badly before, at least that's what i gather from my 'selective', short-term memory.


i don't remember anything being so conflicting in this manner before.

not even e.






insecurities play a big part of it...







hell, even talking about this situation is hard.





















VERY HARD...















now, i'm so confused. i don't know what's my natural behaviour/self now.












it's all one big twirl of a mess.....










i thought i could be different. what i wanted, what i dreamed of seriously has been confundled together to give me this completely...

urgh.. i don't even know how to describe it.





if it were true, denial would be the problem.

i sure hope it's false.

coz then i'd know that denial.... in this situation doesn't exist and wouldn't make sense...

but then.... what other explanations would there be?????







i'd really wanna call you, jas. but two things...

1. it's too late and i can't use the phone.

2. it's best if my dormmates don't hear what i have to say.



i'd say that's enough for the rest to know..